unable –

sad word –

thrown carelessly into the wind…

inability –

chosen –

not a consequence,

rather,

a decision…

you take from me all that you need –

leave hulls of hope scattered on the floor –

and i am just too weak from wanting more

to sweep,

or even care!

5-31-61

my moment of glory.

a mere drop in the ocean of time.

for what it’s worth,

the entrance was no less grand than

that of Mendelssohn,

or Debussy,

or even – van Gogh!

the difference, however,

realized now in retrospect,

occurring over the

span of time –

My life…

culling through the memories,

picking out the fond ones to savor,

the hulls to cast aside –

i find few to etch in stone.

like the spider spinning his web,

all it takes is a strong wind,

and all at once –

alone!

to be the somebody you want me to be,

i’d have to let go of the nobody i am…

to find my way up from the bottom of down,

requires more rope –

a stronger knot…

you –

my friend –

are not aware –

your disassociation creates grey –

space unfilled –

water much too deep to wade –

too wide to swim –

and your strong hands,

will not build a bridge…

all alone is too much sad –

the absence of touch,

a feeling i wish i never had…

what do i do

with all these thoughts of you,

trapped in my head –

like a fly in the spider’s web…

like the moth drawn to the flame,

i push against the pull –

but the effort –

all in vain…

submersed in thoughts of you,

i waste away –

no struggle against the drowning –

will,

washed away.

no need to throw a rope of hope –

i chose to lose my way…

wanting more than less –

needing more than have –

i find my life in shadow,

standing still…

consumed by doubt –

entombed within the walls of disbelief –

i feel the madness creep

into my living,

forcing me to contemplate my fate.

do i seek refuge here

in dying’s harbor?

commit to nothing –

become un-done?

how simple then,

the letting go –

no need –

for need,

no longing –

to belong…

so sweet the peace that

must come with the passing.

so great the un-weight,

un-encumbered –

un-entwined –

the soul,

aged captive –

finally free…

that which you are –

intrigues me –

the depth of your eyes;

a vortex that pulls me in –

the warmth of your smile enlightens me…

wherever i go –

you go –

for i carry you in my heart.

irreplaceable as light –

delight more grand than sound

to one who cannot hear –

i keep you near,

cornerstone of every dream…

more than – just enough,

intrusive as – is –

merely hearing your voice throws chaos to the wind –

and when we touch –

my entire existence bends!

you are the air –

mere breath i long to breathe!