you passed me on the street.

for a moment our eyes met.

i formed a smile, greeted you.

you turned your head and walked away.

 

as i continued along my journey,

i debated with myself – what did i do?

what impression did i give that warranted indifference?

confused.

uncertain.

i placed the moment in my box of “after-while” –

consideration for another day.

 

today i messaged you.

excited to share a “guess-what?”.

busy,

you promised conversation some other time –

another day.

perhaps i read more into your dismissal than i should.

just maybe,

i held on too long to my expectation of your when –

misconstrued your (un)intention.

 

today –

i waited for you.

anticipated the familiar comfort of your voice.

impatiently counted the minutes until your arrival.

rehearsed with eager enthusiasm my words expressing joy at your return.

but today,

you did not –

 

return.

 

and standing here,

commiserating with just myself,

i understood the sadness of alone –

the deafening roar of silence –

the numbing pain –

of your most callous – inconsideration…

…i carefully collected all my precious things –

memories that catered to a status of elevation –

pieces of someones life that fell onto the path of my indiscretion.

all the tangible segments of seasons past.

and as i carried my box of was out of the room of my current situation,

i realized how unnecessary the majority of things really were.

 

so much emotion.

so much time.

so much care.

accouterments of compassion and unappreciated concern filed away.

useless as friendship undesired.

 

what do you find holds value at the end of your day?

what thoughts open doors of peaceful reflection as you enter your resource of sleep?

is there ever incidence of regret?

investment into unappreciated accommodation?

commiseration without even essence of reciprocated conviction?

 

and when you take inventory of all that matters,

are the scales skewed toward misappropriated solidarity?

 

i suppose you could insist the situation held value.

without pain there can be little to comprehend of its absence.

and without commissioners of insincerity,

how can one ever fully appreciate the honor –

the blessing –

of companion…

concession –

requested.

request –

denied.

 

what purpose,

castles built on sand?

regardless the intricacy of presentation –

in spite of the deliberation to process of design –

there is no security in the mercurial composition of the foundation.

so too relationships.

 

temporary collaboration to accommodate (ulterior) motivation.

and we –

us –

so inclined to facilitate application of agenda;

desperate for occurrence of camaraderie –

that we look with eyes that discriminate;

touch with hands that simply choose not to feel.

 

what then of feelings left unattached?

when connection is lost,

what becomes of unopened gifts of compassion?

 

i understand reluctance to acceptance.

i commiserate with feelings of rejection.

i even sympathize with opposition to intentional demeanor of indifference.

what i cannot own,

however –

mannerisms of predetermined manipulation.

hands outstretched –

withdrawn;

turned oh so quickly into fists.

and from hearts unfilled with good intention,

transparent presentation of (factitious) desired compatibility –

masking calculated and cleverly concealed agenda of incorrigible acts of fratricide…

we say –

actually insist.

throw suppositions of know into arenas of disallowed.

 

our words –

intended bandage for wounds suffered without reproach,

from hands presented as gesture of Christian accommodation.

and while we stand safe –

conveniently clear of any ricochet of insinuation –

the animosity we preach to disallow collects in puddles –

swallows our hope –

quick as ripples of faith on a placid sea of indifference.

 

what then?

 

when winds of chaos blow and there is no refuge from the storm?

while liturgies can be heard above the roar of the waves –

still we shiver in the cold –

clinging to the rope of inability –

drifting without option of release in our ocean of discontent.

 

while there –

just beyond the breakers –

calm,

wave-less sea.

peace we can only imagine –

as we’re dashed without mercy on the shore of doubt –

broken like shells –

empty of all but echoes of prayers –

unanswered –

inconspicuously –

unheard…