Monthly Archives: February 2020

rehab

today i found myself in unfamiliar country.
today i found myself a stranger –
surrounded by many;
yet alone on my particular journey.
 
today i found myself engaging with life outside my comfort zone –
recognition,
not an option,
from travelers with agendas of exclusion.
and while uncomfortable with the transparency of my unfamiliar vulnerability,
i realized with extreme clarity the composition of my character.
 
today i found myself naked –
pretension removed –
intention perceived –
direction,
redefined.
today i let go of the who i was,
and found –
the me i am…
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becoming Jericho

oh my duplicitous Pygmalion!
while you were sleeping,
i was years away…
 
… trapped,
as you would say –
contained within my pre-assembled tomb of ambiguity.
but there is where i find –
i,
my – me…
 
and while you walk in circles
around my truth,
expecting walls of nonchalance to crumble,
i smile –
free of your contagious animosity…
 
how simply –
archaic!
your words,
so fervent in their request to be my savior –
however,
your eyes do not invite –
and your clenched fists can never hold these trembling hands…
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who will fill the holes

voids –
spaces not filled –
empty – holes …
 
a glance –
eyes searching for confirmation,
not returned.
 
a hand – offered –
friendship –
given –
no takers…
 
sentences without punctuation.
and you –
the question i am not allowed to answer!
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salvation

i know this stretch of highway well.
i’ve traveled this winding road.
the curves that lead to where darkness lives –
the no-outlets –
desperation…
 
i’ve been where you currently hide.
scratched my name on that same wall of sorrow.
imagined the comfort of care.
and even now, on that very ledge of contemplation –
with the wind of indifference suggesting you just let go –
become undone –
i know…
 
sometimes in life we find the journey too long between rests.
sometimes – too intense.
sometimes,
lonely.
but what we fail to realize,
is just how much strength we show when at our weakest.
it’s in those moments of complete despair,
those moments of uncertainty,
those moments of – fear,
that we offer up our most sincere us.
when everything that confines –
restricts –
disables –
is stripped away –
then,
and only then,
can we come to terms with what defines us.
and sometimes,
even when we wish it were not so,
we find ourselves holding hands with hope.
and as hard as we try –
despite the diligence of our no –
the perseverance of our will,
to not –
we care…
 
in that moment we understand the blessing.
in that perfect moment –
we appreciate the gift.
what feeling more complete than joy from pain –
smiles from tears –
accommodation of shelter –
when lost and oh so lonely –
abandoned (it seems) –
in the rain…
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just a whisper of addiction…

some of you understand.
some of you have also heard the voice –
sometimes a shout –
most often a whisper.
some of you own the words to enlighten –
lift up –
deter,
while others cannot find the courage required –
not,
no longer an option…
 
for you, i say a prayer…
 
your battle –
so much more than presumed,
intense,
more than allowed.
and while someone somewhere prints volumes to suppose,
they cannot truly ever understand.
 
this pain is your fight.
these scars are yours. and you wear them –
too often with shame.
 
for you, i say a prayer…
 
if only those of you that,
feel ownership to denounce –
un-justify –
condemn,
could bear the weight of inability for just one day.
to understand the frustration of –
the aggravation from –
defeat.
 
how differently,
you would see them –
those all around you –
fighting to stay afloat –
deep water,
currents strong.
while just out of reach –
upon the shore –
chaos-free contentment…
 
for you, i say a prayer…
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narcissistic you…

pensive –
hypocritically – contrite –
you stand alone,
a bastion of solitude in a sea of outstretched hands…
demure in your self-proclaimed in-culpability.
astonishingly – obtuse.
devoid of even a trace of empathy,
i watch as you bask in your
self-righteous piety –
seemingly unaware of the absurdity –
oblivious of your own flagrant nonentity!
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addiction

oh to be that breath of air
you take; essential as – must,
to have…
 
to enter into – the all of you –
to become as close,
as one –
to two…
 
if just for one moment –
to live in your thoughts –
feel the memories –
encounter your – you!
 
i would give a thousand
could of been’s –
for just one – is,
a lifetime of – life –
for a moment of – living…
 
oh how must it feel –
to be the addiction,
for once,
no longer the addict!
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indifference revisited

unable –
sad word –
thrown carelessly into the wind…
 
inability –
chosen –
not a consequence,
rather,
a decision…
 
you take from me all that you need –
leave hulls of hope scattered on the floor –
and i am just too weak from wanting more
to sweep,
or even care!
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so softly the summer rain falls

my is –
interrupted –
fades into the vastness of was.
replaced, perhaps,
be it ever so briefly,
by yet another is…
 
when yesterday was today,
surreptitiously culled from could be,
to become,
you and that version-of-the-day me, did interact.
now i find your – is –
no more.
and realizing my inability to continue my journey
with you,
into your was,
makes me pause…
 
how apropos – on such a day as this;
hummingbirds and seraphim!
and as your you ascends from the tomb of could not,
the universe itself is moved to tears –
so softly the summer rain falls…
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