i watch the swing

sway gently in the breeze –

placed here –

unmoving in my chair,

beside the window.

i feel as tho my very life is still

as if every moving thing has stopped,

save the deafening click of the clocks immortal ticking!

you used to sit there,

hands gripped tightly to the chains,

going higher,

and faster –

singing –

really living.

i used to sit here and watch the sun gleam ,

in your hair –

imagine myself – in you…

i watch the swing

sway gently –

and then – stop.

and deep within my heart –

i feel the cold –

freezing –

filling up every inch of my soul.

i watch you –

lying –

no response,

no expression –

i scream a million prayers,

but no sound will come.

i flood my soul with hurt –

but my eyes remain – dry!

i kill myself within,

so i may lie with you,

beside you –

but all i do is live.

i wish you back –

again,

and again –

but you return – no more –

to my now still – swing…

i long to be – to you –

all that you have become –

to me…

that first sliver of sun at dawn,

or the twinkle of twilight’s

first star…

if only i could fill your world with wonderful,

exceptional –

smother you with fantastic,

awesomely – amazing…

if even for one solitary second

i could be

that which flows through your veins –

fills your heart –

gives you life,

how great the rush –

to be considered something so essential –

so necessary!

as much as air –

as incidental as day –

i long to be the impulse for your smile,

casual sigh,

the beat your heart skips…

everything to –

you –

to me –

you are…

lips pursed tightly –

scream suppressed –

eyes masking the terror that hides within…

in this sad world –

silence becomes a much wanted,

much needed place –

(the voices never quiet)

but elusive;

the dissipating wisp of smothered flame,

phrases barely visible on foggy mirrored panes…

to find that place –

where dreams reside –

that Xanadu of peace –

to float like clouds upon a tranquil sky –

oh what release…

to find recompense –

from the madness –

(oh father where art thou?)

that would be the greatest gift –

more pure than gold –

to be held –

not just the one that holds!

thought about being lonely –

today.

thought about all the times

i’ve ran away.

leaving you cold for awhile –

then returning.

wearing the things you love;

my heart on my sleeve,

and a smile!

realized – today,

that you are truly – gone!

and trying to wash away your

memory,

i filled my soul with

insecurity,

bled my eyes – tear-stained –

dry!

thought about living – today,

and died!

white –

black –

defined by labels –

pigeon-holed by circumstance…

absurd,

the very notion,

character defined merely from sight!

i choose –

instead –

to look beyond pigmented-boundaries –

beneath the surface,

you and i are much the same…

indignant –

it would be of me,

to look at you and only see a color –

skin can be so thin,

stretched much too tight –

unable to protect the heart from barbs of prejudice…

i seek a life less cumbersome,

devoid of hate,

where you and i could contemplate our feelings –

free to follow paths defined by hearts,

unrestrained by paradigms of ethnicity,

or race!

my feelings –

alien to you as much as – secure is to timid,

shatter like shards of glass against your narcissistic walls…

how awesome,

it must be –

being you;

how – required!

pompous as an apostrophe –

owning possession,

and the power to unite –

yet completely – unaffected!

and while you dangle effortless,

unencumbered –

I remain tied to the weight of my own culpability.

necessary,

you are –

more than any imagined ownership.

for without you,

meaning is lost;

and I become irrelevant as a useless preposition –

alone – without the companion of my most reluctant ,

yet oh so necessary –

object…

what if –

the bridge between

is,

and possibilities…

to linger in the now –

face down,

drowning in regret –

requires too much of not enough.

i choose face up –

forward motion.

captivated by might,

fueled by could –

my journey started yesterday,

with just one step,

past accept!

i long to be – to you –

all that you have become –

to me…

that first sliver of sun at dawn,

or the twinkly of twilight’s

first star…

if only i could fill your world with wonderful,

exceptional –

smother you with fantastic,

awesomely – amazing…

if even for one solitary second

i could be

that which flows through your veins-

fills your heart –

gives you life,

how great the rush –

to be considered something so essential –

so necessary!

as much as air –

as incidental as day –

i log to be the impulse for your smile,

casual sigh,

the beat your heart skips…

everything to –

you –

to me –

you are!

anxious permeates the room –

when you walk in.

a storm in liberation – intriguing,

as much as darkness feels about light…

evasive –

you –

escaping into – might,

no matter how hard you will yourself back to – is.

acutely aware of the risk,

am i –

yet unable to resist!

palliative –

you have become –

to my addiction;

oh-so-eager to assist

is – does not understand,

could –

(possibility – not yet defined?).

inside the paradigms of his reality,

now is real.

(if you have now, was no longer matters).

how odd –

to be,

yesterday.

quite full of what was,

and what mattered,

and even – what if,

but never as necessary,

or as current,

as – what is!

sad,

don’t you think?

requiems for want,

not yet realized;

but not one single tear for had…

(how quickly we forget).