what then?

when no more darkness finds itself extinguished by the light?

when all the strength contained within the shell of this body ebbs away –

what then?

will i –

mind free from consternation –

lay down,

become – undone?

what then?

when morning comes and finds me less than whole,

yet so much more than was…

to fly above the sky and feel the brush of angels wings.

and then –

perhaps –

come face to face with God?

oh that the world would listen –

simple truth –

instead of learning in the end,

knowing –

all along!

barbaric!

basically devoid of even a trace of empathy.

callously, we sit on the safe side of perception –

offer opinion –

demand recompense.

where is it written,

we own the right to condemnation?

just because we see the stone being thrown,

we feel compelled to mimic?

when did we,

along this journey of life,

lose pride in our identity?

obscured faces concealed indiscriminately by the crowd.

alike,

indifferent,

separated by acts of indecision –

however,

conjoined by our avoidance of advocation.

and yet,

when hearing the tolling of the bell,

cry out to a god denied,

demand remuneration for supposed consideration,

insist our acts of self-gratification –

predestined –

allowed.

self-righteous –

dogmatic in our pursuit of  misdirected piety.

knees bent,

gesture of misconceived reverence flaunted –

vainly –

conspicuous.

and from our eyes,

no tears.

crying disallowed within the confines of our self-imposed cells of solitary-confinement.

insensate –

innately indisposed…

look!

humility lies dying on the ground,

and no one owns capacity to care…

“we sit in empty rooms –

consumed with the next thought,

surreptitiously interjected into our uneventful lives.

searching for value and justification, 

we scan through the abyss of suppose,

anticipating relevance – 

some semblance of self-value.

and when we find nothing notable, 

we resort back to our misery – 

wrap ourselves up in the familiarity of alone.”

i know this stretch of highway well.

i’ve traveled this winding road.

the curves that lead to where darkness lives –

the no-outlets –

desperation…

i’ve been where you currently hide.

scratched my name on that same wall of sorrow.

imagined the comfort of care.

and even now, on that very ledge of contemplation –

with the wind of indifference suggesting you just let go –

become undone –

i know…

sometimes in life we find the journey too long between rests.

sometimes – too intense.

sometimes,

lonely.

but what we fail to realize,

is just how much strength we show when at our weakest.

it’s in those moments of complete despair,

those moments of uncertainty,

those moments of – fear,

that we offer up our most sincere us.

when everything that confines –

restricts –

disables –

is stripped away –

then,

and only then,

can we come to terms with what defines us.

and sometimes,

even when we wish it were not so,

we find ourselves holding hands with hope.

and as hard as we try –

despite the diligence of our no –

the perseverance of our will,

to not –

we care…

in that moment we understand the blessing.

in that perfect moment –

we appreciate the gift.

what feeling more complete than joy from pain –

smiles from tears –

accommodation of shelter –

when lost and oh so lonely –

abandoned (it seems) –

in the rain…

voices.

we have.

different.

some loud.

some soft.

and so we speak.

sometimes the words serve as comfort –

sooth a spirit torn apart –

mend a broken heart.

and then –

sometimes,

the words simply cannot contain themselves.

emotion overflows the chamber of their restriction.

and as they gush from a place imagined dry –

parched from a sun invincible,

we feel the sound of their hurt,

we hear them cut the air like thunder – precedes lightening…

if only, at that moment of careless abandon, we could – interfere with the release…

this truth –

if we can pass by – on the street – our brother without a coat,

standing in the rain.

if we can ignore – sitting all alone –

our sister giving in to demons,

resistance gone.

if we can close our eyes at night –

recite prayers inclined to elevate our us,

and yet recuse ourselves from ownership of the sin of indifference,

what merit is there in our testimony?

how can we utter allegiance to this God we’ve never seen,

yet disallow admittance of even the least of these into our sanctuary?

voices,

we have.

and yet we choose silence.

all the while –

on bended knee –

assuming blessing we simply have not earned…

…today –

you passed me on the street.

for a moment our eyes met.

i formed a smile, greeted you.

you turned your head and walked away.

as i continued along my journey,

i debated with myself – what did i do?

what impression did i give that warranted indifference?

confused.

uncertain.

i placed the moment in my box of “after-while” –

consideration for another day.

today i messaged you.

excited to share a “guess-what?”.

busy,

you promised conversation some other time –

another day.

perhaps i read more into your dismissal than i should.

just maybe,

i held on too long to my expectation of your when –

misconstrued your (un)intention.

today –

i waited for you.

anticipated the familiar comfort of your voice.

impatiently counted the minutes until your arrival.

rehearsed with eager enthusiasm my words expressing joy at your return.

but today,

you did not –

return.

and standing here,

commiserating with just myself,

i understood the sadness of alone –

the deafening roar of silence –

the numbing pain –

of your most callous – inconsideration…

and just about now,
while the stars shine and the moon is slightly less than full,
we wage wars against ourselves.

in this moment, instead of holding hands, we throw sparks –
rekindle flames –
ignite with fear the fires of discontent.
what will it accomplish?
this war of indifference?
if in the end –
when the smoke finally clears –
we find all we’ve conquered –
is good; all that remains –
draped in darkness –
sad shroud of victory worn by kings without crowns –
left only to reign over the grave of morality.

and so it goes…

and just about now,
we boast and brag of conquests made in the name of jurisprudence –
encroach upon the boundaries of right and wrong –
yet fail to comprehend the majesty of benevolence.

and just about – now –
while making plans to ostracize God from our concept of creation –
we fail to realize the structure of our once great society is falling down –
thin walls of faith,
collapsing in upon themselves,
weakened –
by the senseless acts –
inhumanity of man –

and just about now –
the reality of our demise is heard –
not in the roar of mighty storms –
but subtle as the exit of day –
more personal than a whisper of consolation,
from the very lips of death…

(and now i lay me down to sleep ,
i pray the Lord,
my soul…)

sometimes we sing,
un-compromised –
no one listening.
irrelevant – the need to be heard.
sometimes we just cannot contain the emotion –
corral the words back to their silent place –
deep inside.
and so we sing…

sometimes –
the song –
becomes our anthem.
rebellion shouted from lungs trapped in a shell of perceived
should-have-been –
could-have-been.
the escape becomes our escape.
the release –
our freedom –
sometimes…

and then –
sometimes –
we no longer hear the music –
and there –
facing the silence –
when we feel we’ve nothing left to say.
before we bow –
final curtain call –
we close our eyes –

and sometimes we just – pray…