selfish

agenda’s.
segments of life planned with purpose – intent.
audacious.
implied autonomy over purpose.
 
sometimes events follow sequence.
sometimes –
the train they occupy ends up derailed.
and while we stop to gather up the broken pieces of should,
we realize with discontent that ignorance of our assume.
 
more valuable –
deposits of relevance made to banks of could,
rather than wasted on accoutrements of selfishly worn suppose…
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the familiarity of alone

“we sit in empty rooms –
 
consumed with the next thought,
 
surreptitiously interjected into our uneventful lives.
 
searching for value and justification,
 
we scan through the abyss of suppose,
 
anticipating relevance –
 
some semblance of self-value.
 
and when we find nothing notable,
 
we resort back to our misery –
 
wrap ourselves up in the familiarity of alone.”
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un-done

feelings placed on hold –
access –
denied.
what do you do when
doors are closed –
no goodbyes?
 
longing eats a hole
in sanities – reality –
words cannot be – unsaid,
feelings – un-felt…
 
regret –
an evil unparalleled –
compounded by cruel rejection…
 
the tender heart lies broken,
compassion lost –
abandon feels like midnight dark,
 
dying all alone…

walking into dying – alone

thought about being lonely –
today.
 
thought about all the times
i’ve ran away,
leaving you cold for awhile –
then returning,
wearing the things you love;
my heart on my sleeve,
and a smile!
 
realized – today,
that you are truly – gone!
 
and trying to wash away your
memory,
i filled my soul with
insecurity,
bled my eyes – tear-stained –
dry!
 
thought about living – today,
and died!
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and now i (cannot) lay me down to sleep…

how do you –
un-feel,
un-remember,
un-know…
 
how do you –
un-live,
un-do,
un-care?
 
nothing that i’ve ever felt,
no sunrise seen;
dream imagined – true –
nothing that i’ve ever known
made in this world –
compares to you…
 
essential as air –
attached to my need as much as dawn –
to night –
the all of you is everything to me…
 
how can a soul –
un-need,
a touch once felt?
how does a heart –
un-break,
once broken?
 
agony in your absence –
lonely,
cold as midnight dark –
pieces scattered on the ground of –
used to be happy.
shattered dreams,
thin as angel’s hair –
carried away by winds of discontent…
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hiding behind the …

my feelings –
alien to you as much as – secure is to timid,
shatter like shards of glass against your narcissistic walls…
 
how awesome,
it must be –
being you;
how – required!
 
pompous as an apostrophe –
owning possession,
and the power to unite –
yet completely – unaffected!
 
and while you dangle effortless,
unencumbered –
I remain tied to the weight of my own culpability.
 
necessary,
you are –
more than any imagined ownership.
for without you,
meaning is lost;
and I become irrelevant as a useless preposition –
alone – without the companion of my most reluctant ,
yet oh so necessary –
 
object…
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when i’m without you

those days are here again –
when i’m alone –
clinging to the threads of
my existence,
falling fast!
 
those days are here again –
when you are gone –
and everywhere i turn,
i find the emptiness,
the lonely shadow.
 
where are you now –
these sleepless nights,
these lifeless days?
where have you run
to find yourself?
 
you leave me –
losing mine!
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on wearing your frown…

i found myself –
upon the shore –
gazing in your eyes –
calm –
deep water.
 
i wanted you to know me –
feel my presence.
 
without – hesitation –
or reservation –
i tossed the stone…
 
ripples –
endless waves –
flowing outward.
and even if i wanted –
i could not stop them –
or even withdraw the effect
of my most curious touch
on your enigmatic mind!
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indifference revisited

unable –
sad word –
thrown carelessly into the wind…
 
inability –
chosen –
not a consequence,
rather,
a decision…
 
you take from me all that you need –
leave hulls of hope scattered on the floor –
and i am just too weak from wanting more
to sweep,
or even care!
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lamentation

and so it goes.
these words i borrow;
thoughts entertained on visits from countries i have yet to travel –
journeys un-begun.
 
tonight i stand upon the balcony of suppose –
gaze longingly upon the setting sun –
surrender without reluctance my care.
what if i wake tomorrow?
what matter will it make –
these thoughts?
 
perhaps upon passing,
you will linger.
just long enough to take breath.
and as quickly as your exhale,
the moment gone.
 
apropos of disengage,
your read,
will fall along the side –
random highway –
unnamed –
and all-to-soon,
forgotten…
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