of paper umbrellas…

today i shared a moment in time with someone broken.
in that instant –
i lost my way –
stumbled upon my journey of faith.
 
it didn’t seem fair.
i was not prepared for the discomfort of that particular truth.
 
as i made my way –
reluctantly –
away from the ledge of doubt,
i realized the purpose for this particular process.
 
trust.
five letters.
no less than doubt,
but more than fear.
how was it i found my way through the maze of my insufficiency,
yet failed in my effort to assist a friend stranded along the way through theirs?
what value –
this armor of consideration?
what purpose –
hollow declarations of intent?
without conviction,
the words become useless as paper umbrellas in the rain.
 
today i ventured outside the sanctuary of my perceive.
 
today –
i finally understood the capacity –
 
of believe…
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rungs and necessary elements…

when if turns into is –
tomorrow,
yesterday –
i’ll still be waiting here for you,
midnight anticipating dawn…
 
long –
the shadows on the road –
with miles left yet to travel –
but i’ve grown weary of the journey…
 
time used to be a friend of mine –
until the days behind were greater than ahead.
 
quickly –
earnestly –
i grasp for one more rung on this ladder of my life –
ambitious –
determined –
seeking consistency
in a mercurial world…
 
can you reach out a hand today?
this friend indeed –
is more than just a friend in need –
and you,
much more than just the axis to a world
ever so quickly turning!
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ineptitude

 

preeminent misconception –
lonely,
does not rely on being –
alone…
days – there are –
sun shining,
not a single solitary cloud in the sky.
yet – shadows,
deep as midnight darkness –
(secrets hide in the dark,
gnashing their teeth –
overly animated and eager.)
at what moment did you decide –
indifference?
what memory – unsuppressed –
tipped the scale?
yesterday is mine.
holding your hand.
strolling through – uncertainty –
certain!
(i cannot explain sadness –
even gravity cannot hold so tight!).
if – as easy as making a wish –
you would come true –
i would not be on this bridge –
(solace when touching deep water…)
angry at myself for the need –
yet unable to refrain…
inadequacy:
the most un-healable pain!
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my alone

how simple,
but sublime –
to smile,
when sharing space,
inside your – you,
with lonely,
and afraid.
 
how –
em-pathetically –
courageous!
 
if only eyes could see the – feel,
distinguish between – superfluous,
and real,
then maybe – matter – would return…
 
surely there is nothing,
imagined,
nor real –
more lonely than the absence of touch…
 
you whisper your goodbye –
i scream –
my alone!
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who will fill the holes

voids –

spaces not filled –

empty – holes …

 

a glance –

eyes searching for confirmation,

not returned.

a hand – offered –

friendship –

given –

no takers…

 

sentences without punctuation.

and you –

the question i am not allowed to answer!

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some days – grace…

some days we find the space between our could be and our is –
a minefield of failed expectation-
enticing yet much too dangerous to cross.
the most difficult part lies in the un-knowing.
 
so instead of stepping out in faith,
we stand safe behind our fence of doubt –
imagine the freedom that must come with the passing.
 
today i stood –
once again –
on that path to unbecoming.
understanding the potential contained within that first step –
to disallow the author of regret to write another page in the book of me.
 
i thought about the lines –
monologue of disengage –
rehearsed a thousand times upon an empty stage.
irrelevant the absence of audience.
the words intentional.
agenda revealed.
 
this time –
one final curtain call.
and as i pushed with defiant deliberation upon the gate –
i felt the rush of emancipation.
no longer held captive by chains of indecision.
casting off the weight of can’t –
i traded could-be with can.
feelings of doubt exchanged without reluctance for the comfort of peace.
 
some days – we find exception to the rule of exist.
some days –
grace…
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loneliness (part 1)

and i –
your heroin have become.
accouterments of discontent –
the pain you feel – no one –
can understand…
 
emphatic –
to the definition of all alone –
you cling with defiance to your pain,
darkness – attached to night…
 
i wonder –
in your room of disallowed,
do shadows fall?
or is – perhaps – the sorrow so profound
no light dare enter in?
 
no setting sun.
no rising moon.
no longer stars in your midnight sky –
merely holes,
allowing darkness in…
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hourglass of our demise

 

caught up in the vortex of assume.

we place our hearts on trays of trust –

offer invitation to presentations of our self.

with marked deliberation –

we push the everything of all we are onto center stage –

dim the lights –

create atmosphere of intimate accommodation.

and there.

exposed.

wearing only the skin of our re-purposed conviction –

we promenade our is –

recite monologues of our suppose.

 

there is,

i feel,

no sorrow more defined than diminished expectation.

to strip away the layers of apprehension –

peel off the mask of reluctant –

allow access to the very essence of our was,

in hopes of finding partner on the journey to our will become –

and find,

when naked of all but our indiscretion,

the effort wasted –

could-be not an option…

 

as the curtain begins to close –

lights of life begin to dim –

we realize the absence of audience.

as one by one the patrons reassigned.

most often to follow adventures we cannot comprehend.

while we remain –

restrained as sand within the hourglass of our own demise.

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someone Else’s shore

how great – to live another is,
unchained to why –
how awesome to – un-become…
 
un-tethered,
i would roam the sky –
high above the angry sea –
lose myself in currents
of reprieve…
 
believe – i would no longer
need –
insignificantly – culpable;
unnecessarily – obtrude!
 
and life –
as relatively – perceived –
could be no more.
sweet freedom –
from the baggage of was,
insignificant as broken shells
on someone Else’s shore…
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the chasm

 

this post for you.

the many that stopped along their journey to pick up stones.

irrelevant,

i suppose,

assignment of conduct as predetermined –

defined –

painstakingly deliberate.

 

regardless the supposition –

in spite of deference of arbitration –

you chose to throw opinion into the chasm of my demise.

 

contrived.

maliciously ostentatious.

your character defined by absence of even a glimmer of humanity.

conspicuously infantile,

i listen to you speak to acts of reconciliation for my sins –

recompense required to rectify my resistance to your (implied) authority.

and even as i grasp for option of absolution,

i feel the weight of intolerance crushing apathetically my refuge of hope.

and from your eyes –

blank stare.

from which no light dare enter,

or if detained,

escape…

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