would it make a difference,

while sitting there, in your chair of comfortable indifference,

if suddenly there appeared –

writing on the wall?

would the message make its way past the breakers of your reluctance?

storm the beach of your indecision?

overcome your fortress of doesn’t matter?

how, exactly, would you reconcile emotions considered martyrs for pursuit of religion?

you say you’ve found the way –

the truth –

the life –

and yet within the walls of your strong tower,

no out-stretched arms –

no embrace of compassion.

ironic,

don’t you think?

invitations sent –

celebration of solidarity –

but communion,

not realized?

perhaps more apropos of conviction –

application of supposed intent.

so much more convincing,

don’t you agree?

monologues extolling the virtues of monotheism,

rather than charades and door prize exhibitions of implied Christianity…

my feelings –

alien to you as much as – secure is to timid,

shatter like shards of glass against your narcissistic walls…

how awesome,

it must be –

being  you;

how – required!

pompous as an apostrophe –

owning possession,

and the power to unite –

yet completely – unaffected!

and while you dangle effortless,

unencumbered –

I remain tied to the weight of my own culpability.

necessary,

you are –

more than any imagined ownership.

for without you,

meaning is lost;

and I become irrelevant as a useless preposition –

alone  –  without the companion of my most reluctant ,

yet oh so necessary –

object…

  and then those days roll in like Summer storms. 

thunder so loud, 

yet welcome distraction from the silence of all alone.

and rain –

heavy as black in a midnight sky.

it seems,

in those moments of oppression, 

there is no hope.

what purpose faith in a faceless god?

surely there is no recompense earned merely from ritual of believe.

peace –

you proclaim.

comfort from the pain. 

but somehow – 

when –

remains unknown.

and as you kneel to offer prayer for salvation, 

voices whisper eulogies to care. 

in those days, 

when life becomes just too much to bear,

you realize how it feels –

becoming undone. 

what then? 

if compassion serves purpose – 

glue to mend the broken – 

and the cupboard bare, 

do the pieces of promise just get swept away? 

sometimes, 

no matter our intention,

we end up unassigned –

unnecessary as the refuse of was,

thrown with deliberation,

into  the insignificance of – not...

if –
i were to pull together the frayed edges of my can’t –
seam the span between my want,
and my am –
if somehow i could find a way to renegotiate the is…

circles – sometimes we walk –
thinking with each rotation we may actually find an exit –
overlooked,
hidden,
unavailable as passage through doors without locks.
and yet,
in our hands –
so many keys.

if –
even for just one moment in time –
the uncertainty of could replaced with can,
the regret of should –
erased by the possibility of become.

to rise above the valley of doubt –
soar –
with wings like eagles –
over deserts of despair –
and there –
upon that lofty height –

encounter purpose.

how must it feel –
content?
to wake with the rising sun –
no distraction of clouds –
no threat of rain.

to walk with confidence the path of our will be –
unafraid –
no longer held captive by chains of unsure –
secure – beneath the armor of trust –
faith – our sword –
regardless the battle –
the war,
already won!

even before the curtain falls – 

the diatribe complete –

the show is actually over. 

what sadness there is in finding yourself alone.

to look out from center stage onto empty seats.

 to realize the monologue of solidarity has fallen without effect in a room filled with empty chairs. 

and as you gather what’s left of your supposition,

the lights begin to dim…

meaningless.

unheard.

catharsis for absolution of sins incomplete.

and on the stage of (your) life,

no roses thrown;

only echoes of prayers – 

unanswered –

by a god that does not (seem to) hear…

circles –

we travel.

always leading back to the comfort of familiar places –

big fish –

oh so little ponds.

until that day when the levee breaks –

releases us from streams of complacency.

only then can we fully understand the small of where we’ve been –

comprehend the big of can,

the palpability of is –

and apropos of  conceptually un-imagined intimacy –

the acquisition of sanctification more profound than any presumed salvation.

piously devout,

we stand upon our thrones of discern –

arrogantly contest status of faith –

embellish feelings of consternation –

lost,

or saved?

how sad –

to join in lamentation of morality’s demise,

all the while,

hiding stones of misconceived perception inconspicuously behind our backs…

and then sometimes –

prayers for darkness –

or at least diminished capacity to be seen.

all around –

chaos of life less sanctified.

indifference.

callous abandon.

without option of volume control,

the voices bombard my sanctuary of solace.

for once,

to own authority over the ability to listen.

i wonder,

as i wrestle with these feelings of desired avoidance,

how it must feel to –

not feel.

to proceed through life without the need for blinders.

to find oneself without agenda of concern.

is it possible to interact with sadness,

escape unaffected?

how intriguing –

thoughts of touch without the association of feel.

and eyes –

un-faltering in ability to look,

yet relieved from the obligation to see…

sometimes i visit the shore,
where my will crashes into my was.
I suppose the possibility exists that you just don’t understand that concept,
or perhaps haven’t found desire to travel to that particular destination.

with the same amount of abandon you choose to deflect;
i crave.
the anticipation more impacting than any supposed drug of choice.

i watch your eyes as i speak to my conviction.
pay close attention to the subtlety of your distance.
i wonder how it feels to understand boundaries.
i desperately try to wrap my head around the acceptability of is;
my insatiable;
never satisfied –
always picking at the scab of could have been –
often,
drowning in the sea of if…

today i stood –
knee deep in the waves –
gazing into the setting sun.
i imagined the sound –
unavoidable hiss,
as it kissed the relentless sea.
in that moment –
i understood peace.

today i, stood.
and as the waves pounded against my defense,
i felt the burden of can’t slip away.

I will admit,
in that instant,
a shiver of fear found refuge;
attached itself to the sinking buoy of doubt.
remarkable –
however –
the deep;
accepting the refuse of regret –
returning the surface,
still.

today,
i stood.
and instead of looking away –
ashamed of my suppose –
i gazed with wonder past the sea of refrain,
reached out,
unafraid –
embraced the very essence of can.

today i visited the shore,
and found,
me…