pensive –

i find myself –

not often – 

without words.

it seems a roaring cascade of emotion overflows the damn of my conviction – 

screams to be free. 

today was one of those days. 

i’m sure you’ve had one.

gratitude you felt with the opening of your eyes, 

only to immediately realize last night’s sorrow lingered.

perhaps someone traded your gift of kindness for accoutrements of vanity. 

maybe the effort you placed in building foundations of trust, 

served only for purpose of confidence upon which alters to indifference were built. 

if strong enough to share your truth, 

would the words form bridges to negotiate compassion, 

or stand as barriers –

impediments to process of resolution?

so often we choose to wear our supposed crown of thorns.

parade with (in)dignity our alb of woe. 

intentional in our pursuit of commiseration,

we lose sight of the very essence of Christianity.

Christian. 

Christ-like.

entrenched in pits of ritual,

we wave banner of affiliation to faith. 

yet hide behind our reluctance when challenged by incidence of profession.

while you were sleeping,
i was years away…

… trapped,

as you would say –
contained within my pre-assembled tomb of ambiguity.
but there is where i find –
i,
my – me…

and while you walk in circles
around my truth,
expecting walls of nonchalance to crumble,
i smile –
free of your contagious animosity…

how simply –
archaic!
your words,
so fervent in their request to be my savior –
however,
your eyes do not invite –

and your clenched fists can never hold these trembling hands…

taken out of context can magnify,

or crucify.

peace and war initiated within the same collection of letters –

assembly,

the defining variable.

so much of who we are finds animation from our expression –

dialect –

inflection.

spoken,

read –

punctuated and pronounced.

emotion born within the simplicity of a syllable.

intention misconstrued.

passion pursued.

ignorance and genius separated ever so slightly.

fascinating –

the way we communicate before learning how to speak.

initiating interaction outside the paradigms of language.

and then –

acquiring intelligence –

we articulate our thoughts –

bring to life suppose and possibly –

as we struggle to declare opinion.

and yet –

regardless our intention –

fail to say exactly how we feel…

sitting lonely in quiet rooms of if;

 – if time could be undone.

 – if decisions could be unmade.

 – if only the words heard were spoken from platforms of conviction…

perhaps that’s our purpose –

the us in the shadows. 

created without provision of discern.

destined to seek,

but never find. 

to touch but never feel. 

to give all that we have,

only to find reciprocation replaced with the nothing of does not matter.

empty.

vessels of could be placed on shelves of forgot.

surely there is little else in life more tragic than suppose.

to contemplate the contentment of accommodation, 

only to find it indisposed –

unavailable –

disposable camaraderie –

temporary compassion –

unsustainable as watercolors,

in the rain…

instead of regret –

appreciate the lesson learned.

instead of sorrow –

remember the prequel to the pain.

instead of doubt –

find something you know is true –

hold on to it.

life can be anything we want it to be.

we have choices to make.

there is no sentence of disparage inherited or inescapable.

nowhere is it written we must accept negative situations as predetermined avenues of travel.

if we encounter clouds –

inclimate weather –

we have to remember the sun is still above us.

we will dry out.

and on those days when we feel everyone has heard a voice –

resounding echo –

instructing them to run away,

we have to recognize the dialogue of lies.

if nothing else you understand brings clarity to your confusion –

walk outside –

look up.

in a universe so vast –

magnificent beyond human expectation –

you were chosen to become!

of all the people that you could have been –

you are exclusively –

you!

and while you may not appreciate the gift of your creation,

someone else may find their peace –

simply because God answered their prayer –

with you…